Unable To Feel
by fyre4
Summary: final chapter up!!!! thanx to all of those who reviewed the fic!!! hope you like it!!!
1. Unable To Feel Chapter One

Unable to Feel 

disclaimer: I do not own weiss kreuz, 'nuf said! d;-) 

chapter one: 

"Look at me, Aya," 

"No." 

"Dammit Aya, I said look at me!" 

"No, I won't." 

"Look at me, you stubborn prick! Look. At. Me." 

"NO, I WON'T!" The once soft amethyst eyes hardened with the fury that was furiously flowing in the redhead's body; the fury met with pain. The blonde standing in the doorway of Aya's room took a few steps toward the redhead. 

"Why, Aya?" came the softly mumbled question. Silence. It was met with silence. 

"What are you so scared of, Aya?" mocked the voice. Again, silence. 

"Aya,…" the blonde trailed off. "Stop." 

"Nani?' came the slightly surprised reply. "Youji, stop." 

"Why, Aya, why should I stop? I'm not getting the hell out of here until I get some answers. Why did you save me? Why did you risk your life for me? Tell me or I'll have to get it out of you even if it kills me." threatened the blonde. 

"What do you want, Youji?" The voice was dangerous. Youji was not backing up. "Tell me the truth, Aya." "What truth?" came the soft reply, so soft that Youji barely heard it. 

"About you, Aya. The truth about you. The truth about what you feel." The blonde answered slowly, jade eyes fixed firmly upon the back of the unmoving redhead. 

"About me?" came the reply punctuated with a derisive laugh. "Why, Youji? You want to know why I don't show up at the Koneko anymore? You want to know why I never set foot in a room with you? You want to know why I can't even come near you? You want to know why I avoided you like the plague and yet saved you? You want to know why, Youji? Why? I ask you the same question. Why do you want to know?" the smoldering gaze came to rest upon jade eyes. 

"Because I lo…" the words trailed off. Youji was rudely cut off by the redhead. 

"Enough. You can't say it. You do not know for sure and I won't accept it. Leave." Aya said icily. 

"No, Aya, please, I lo…" 

"Enough I said. Go. Leave. I don't need any of this, I don't need you. Leave." Hurt registered in the jade green eyes of the blonde. The lanky build stiffened, moved away from the redhead and made its way towards the door. When he reached it, he stopped, looked back and whispered softly/ 

"You know it's true, Aya. I ask for nothing more than the truth and you give me lies. You know what I feel is the truth, at least I came here with the strength to say it. You won't even allow it, much less accept it. Stop denying yourself Aya, you're hurting yourself even more." The door closed. Aya was engulfed in the darkness that he had grown to despise yet craved for. The darkness surrounded him and finally he was able to let go. 

A tear glistened in the pale face of the hardened assassin and he quickly wiped it off. He never cried but the stoic expression, the cold demeanor was gone. In it's place stood pain and jarring heartache. He lost. Aya had lost. Youji was gone, driven away by his own doing. Aya had totally, completely lost. A sob clenched tightly at his lungs, tears falling freely from his eyes forming rivulets of water down his cheeks going down towards the neck of the horrid orange sweater that he always wore, the sweater which put him on the receiving end of the blonde playboy's taunts. But not anymore. The blonde was gone. Youji was gone. He couldn't do anything. His hand went to his injured shoulder. The shoulder wounded by Crawford's gun when he had gone in front of Yohji and took the shot. _You want to know why I saved you Youji? I saved you because I love you yet I'm too scared to say it out loud. I'm scared that you won't be able to stay, that you'll leave me. Just like they did. I can't live with that, Youji. If I surrender myself over to you, I don't know what will become of me when you're gone. I won't admit it to you Youji, not when I don't deserve it. I can't taint you Youji. I don't deserve you. _

The only thing left to do was cry. Aya never cried but this once he stood at the window of his room starring into the sky one hand holding on to his injured shoulder and he cried. He cried for the only person whom he had ever loved aside from his sister. He cried because of his own weaknesses, his own denials, his own frailties, his own fears. He cried because he had lost the only thing that he loved and loved him in return. He cried because he did not have the strength to freely admit what he was feeling. Yes, during those few moments Aya Fujimiya cried. 

Youji was furious. He had come over to Aya's room to settle everything, to tell the man how he really felt. He did not come expecting such a cold brush-off. 

"Dammit!!!" he kicked the wall of his room and slammed his hand into the same wall. 

"Dammit, Aya! For once why can't you just admit that you love someone??!!!" he shouted into the cold air that hung in his bedroom. His mind went back to the previous week when he had come to see Aya after a mission. The mission had struck too close to home. During their fight to free some battered teenagers being sold by a shady organization and to kill the head of the operation, they had come across Schwartz. It was one hell of a fight. But the police came and that was when Schwartz decided to go but not without one last parting shot from Crawford, headed for Youji. The blonde was too busy fighting off Schuldich to notice but Aya did and Aya lunged himself in front Youji and took the hit. He crumpled immediately, Youji turning towards him seeing what he had done. He had knelt next to Aya who was quickly fading from blood loss since he had already taken another bullet in his thigh. 

"Aya," he had whispered the name so quietly, scared for once in his life to see the man nearly fading away. That was when their gazes met. That was when Youji knew that he had fallen for the other assassin. That was when he accepted that fact that he had fallen for the younger man. When their gazes met, that was when Youji knew that he loved Aya. The leader of Weiss, the icy Aya. That was when Youji accepted the truth that he had been denying for so long, ever since the first time he had laid eyes on Aya. He was in love with Aya. Aya Fujimiya. Youji couldn't tear himself from the purple void that was Aya's eyes. 

"Youji, I…" Aya said, softly. 

"Aya, hold on." Youji begged. 

"Youji, I lo…" 

"What, Aya?" Youji held his breath, waiting for the words he thought would come. Aya's face crumpled s he lay in Youji's arms. He looked at the blonde one last time and whispered, 

"I'm sorry, I can't." then drifted off. 

Youji had come into the redhead's room then, watching the sleeping form of his younger teammate and marveling at the sheer beauty of the man. It pained Youji to watch him like that, suffering because of him. His memory came back to the words that Aya had failed to utter. Anguish rushed inside the blonde. _Why can't he say it? _He asked himself. He had felt hope during those moments that he thought Aya would finally confess but once again the hope he felt proved fleeting for Aya never did finish it, he never said it and now Youji was left all alone, guilt coursing through his body amidst the pain of knowing that the man whom he loves will never be his. Aya had once again proved to be unable to feel. Cold as ice. 

"To hell with this all." Youji softly murmured. Quietly, he padded towards the bed and lay down, drifting into a fitful sleep where he could dream of nothing but the cold and calculating gaze of the swordsman and the words he had never said. 

"Ohayo, Youji-kun!" Omi greeted brightly. It was a school day and Omi was just waiting for Youji to turn up and open the flower shop so he could go to school. 

"Morning," Youji mumbled and went straight to the coffee machine. 

"Good thing you're up already Youji-kun." 

"Yeah, well Omi that was one hell o a wake-up call." The blonde said sarcastically. Earlier in the morning Omi had sent Ken to wake Youji up and Ken did, making enough noise to wake the whole neighborhood, pounding on Youji's door. It almost fell from its hinges. Almost. 

"Sorry about the morning shift Youji-kun but I have an exam today and Ken has a game to go to. Aya-kun will be down a little later and maybe you could open shop now? I've really got to go. I'm sorry I won't be able to help you." The boy said, apologizing profusely. 

"Aya. Yeah, Aya. This is going to be one fucking hell of a day." Youji muttered. 

"Is something wrong Youji-kun?" the boy asked, concern written all over his face. "Did you and Aya-kun have a fight?" "No it's nothing, Omi."

The blonde dismissed the boy easily. "Go to school, I'll finish opening up. Go on. Good luck on the exam." Youji flashed the young boy a smile, who easily grinned back at him. 

"Arigatou, Youji-kun." Then the boy got outside to his motorcycle and drove off. Youji started the task of opening up shop and was nearly done when Aya came into the shop. Youji glanced at the redhead and was surprised to see the red-rimmed eyes of the man. He was mildly shocked to see that the man hadn't had enough sleep since it was a bit later than his usual time of getting up, at least that was the reason he thought off when he saw Aya's eyes. Brushing aside the thought, he carefully hauled the rest of the flower pots outside the shop. When he went back inside, he saw that Aya had settled himself at the cash register. He did not look the least bit unruffled by Youji's presence. _Damn him_. Youji thought. They spent the rest of the morning shift quietly, avoiding each other, Aya never leaving the register. _Stubborn prick. _

During noon, the two younger Weiss boys arrived at the Koneko No Sume Ie unaware of the tension between their two older teammates. Ken immediately went to the counter setting down his purchases of different kinds of sandwiches and anticipating the beginning of a hearty lunch. Omi was on his way up to their apartments when he suddenly heard Ken's voice and Youji's sarcastic reply that sent him running back into the shop. 

"Oi Aya! Where are you rushing off too?" Ken asked innocently, bewildered gaze set on the redhead who was intent on reaching the door and going out. 

"Leave him, Ken. That's what he always does, run away from things." Ken looked surprised at the serious tone of the blonde playboy. Aya stopped dead in his tracks, turning to face the unrelenting jade green eyes with his own smoldering violet gaze. 

"Say that again Kudoh." The silent command of the Weiss leader echoed throughout the suddenly quiet shop. 

"I said that you're so used to running away from everything tat this doesn't make much of a difference, does it? You're so used to running away from me so why does this move have to be any different? Face it, Aya. You're not running away from me, you're running away from yourself." Youji spat out the words spitefully overcome with such venom for the unrelenting redhead. The anger in the violet orbs flared, the lines of tension in the pale man's face visible as wave upon wave of cold fury washed over him. 

"Shut up, Kudoh. You do not know anything." Aya turned and made to head for the door when he heard the silent reply. 

"Yeah, Aya, run away. That's what you do best, isn't it?" For the second time, Aya spun to face the hard jade eyes with a cold fury reflected in his own purple gaze. A few tense seconds came and went, raising the tension in the room even higher. The youngest Weiss member broke the silence unable to stand the animosity present between his teammates. 

"Aya-kun? Youji-kun? Maybe, umm, we could…" the blonde boy stuttered hopelessly. 

"Enough Omi," came the order from the redheaded assassin. Omi quickly clamped his mouth shut, unable to say anything to diffuse the situation. 

"Umm guys, maybe we could stop this now and, umm, cool off for a while," came the timid voice from the counter, coming from the other brown-haired assassin, food and drinks currently forgotten. 

"Stay out of this Ken," growled Youji. Ken wisely kept his mouth shut. After a few more tense minutes, the younger men couldn't help it anymore. 

"Ummm, guys…" came the timid sound of Ken and Omi's voices. "Stay out of this!!!" shouted the older assassins, neither one breaking their locked gazes. 

"Ken-kun, I think we'd better go. " Omi muttered feebly. "But, Youji… Aya…" stuttered Ken, shocked by the palpable display of hatred. "Its best if we leave them to it, we can't do anything and we won't be able to stop them. Let's just go," whispered the younger boy. The other boy got up to his feet and followed the youngest assassin out the door. 

"Is this what you want Aya? " Youji asked silently. "Do you want to run away from everything all your life?" 

"I'm not running away from anything, Youji. I'm merely letting go of something that won't ever happen, something that you can't even accept will never happen." Aya replied, gazing intently at the lanky blond man. 

"Is that it Aya? Is this what this is all about? You and your fucking twisted reasons? You letting go of something that just might hint at our happiness? You letting go of something we could hold on to in this damned fuck of a life that we live? You throwing away all our chances at real happiness? Is that what this is about Aya? You denying you love me for all the wrong, damned, fucked up reasons?!" exploded the blonde. 

"Were assassins Youji. We take lives for a living. We don't deserve to be happy," Aya slowly tore his gaze away from the blond. Youji smashed his hand into the countertop, making a few of the arrangements on the table fall. 

"Damn you Aya! Damn you and your righteous morals and rules about "assassins" and the "dirty work" that we do! We kill for a living but were only human, Aya. We deserve to be happy at one point or another. Why can't you just accept it, Aya? Why can't you just let me?" Youji's voice desperately pleaded with the red-haired assassin. 

"I can't, Youji…" came the softly muffled reply. Aya turned his back from him for the umpteenth time. 

"Why, Aya? I've been asking you that question over and over again. Tell me why the fuck you can't!" Youji shouted. Aya flinched at the sound, stung by the heat of the words. Here was Youji offering nothing but comfort and security in his arms and the chance to be loved, and Aya not relenting hurting the blonde in the process, hurting himself. 

Aya slowly walked towards the door. When he reached for the knob, he abruptly stopped and whispered quietly, "I'm sorry Youji. I can't. You deserve to be happy Youji but I don't. I can't because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you." He exited the shop walking away from the shop leaving Youji standing at the door calling his name. Aya did not dare look back, did not dare look at the pain written in the jade green eyes he had come to love. 

Most of all, Aya did not dare look back for fear of the blonde seeing the tears falling silently from his eyes. 


	2. Unable To Feel Chapter Two

Unable To feel 

Chapter Two: 

Disclaimer: I do not own Weiss Kreuz… 'nuf said! 

Notes: This is actually my first Weiss Kreuz fic so I'm sorry if its not that good. Maybe if I keep at it, the fic will improve… all things improve with time, right? Please review the fic… I'd really appreciate it. 

Morning. Aya stiffly rose from his bed, rubbing his eyes that had turned red-rimmed and bloodshot. He vaguely remembered running out of the shop, crying his heart out and returning at one o'clock in the morning, wary of being caught by a certain blonde. Said blonde happened to be the cause of the rare bout of tears that Aya had. Events of the past day flooded back, giving Aya all the more reason to hate this day and the damn headache that came with it. God, he had been so damn stupid. Fucking, stupid prick. How the hell was he supposed to work in the shop today after yesterday's debacle? Damn Youji. Why did he always have to force Aya to run? 

He slowly got up from the bed, cursing himself and a few aches and pains due to his restless sleep the night before with dreams of a certain cloned-haired, green-eyed assassin. Walking up to his closet. He got his closed, dressed and went down to the kitchen. He turned on the coffee maker and was to absorbed to notice that Youji had appeared and had sat down on the kitchen table. When he turned around, he gasped and nearly dropped his mug. Luckily, the blonde had his head buried in his hands, probably nursing a hangover. He recalled waking up at 3 a.m. and hearing the blonde staggering up the stairs. Aya was overcome with guilt. He knew that he had been the cause of the man's recent alcohol binge. He mentally kicked himself, knowing that he could have ended yesterday's argument better, but when it came to the blonde playboy, Aya could never seem to control himself, especially when he knew that all of the accusations the blonde had thrown his way were true. He walked past the table, averting his eyes. He went to open up the Koneko not noticing the pained glance the blonde had given him. 

_Shit_. How could he have been so stupid? He usually only drank what he can keep in although he did have a high alcohol tolerance but last night he had overdone it. He got himself as drunk as he could, as wasted as he could, got into a bar fight with a beer-guzzling maniac and staggered to his car, driving home nearly crashing Seven in the process. _Dammit. _It was all because of Aya. The one person whom he cared about the most to have driven him over the edge. He was usually able to drive properly when he was drunk but last night, that wasn't just the case. 

He got up from the bed and dressed, not bothering to fix the sheers or pick up the pillows from last night's restless sleep. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand. 9 o'clock. _Fuck. _What could possibly have driven him to set the alarm this early? And then it hit him. He had the morning shift. With Aya. He got to the bathroom, brushed his teeth and combed his hair mentally letting loose a stream of curses directed at a certain soccer player who just happened to have gotten him to swift shifts with him to be able to attend a game of the kids. Another game. _Damn Ken._ At least he had gotten the guy to plead and do his laundry for a month but he had had enough of morning shifts, especially if said morning shifts included a certain unfeeling redhead who just happened to be Youji Kudoh's latest obsession. No scratch that. He had enough from yesterday afternoon. He was just about done in from Aya's stubbornness. He wasn't going to do anything else now. He won't be bothering the redhead anymore. God knows Youji couldn't take another blow to his self-esteem let alone his ego. And oh yeah, he couldn't find the strength to take care of his already aching heart. 

_Jesus fucking Christ!_ Why the hell did it have to be Aya who was standing at the kitchen counter? Youji groaned inwardly not expecting to run into him this early. Why couldn't it have been Omi? Or Ken? Yeah right, Omi was at school and Ken had already gone to his fucking soccer game. Damn them. It meant that he would just have to deal. He silently crossed towards the kitchen table, sat down and buried his head in his arms. _Fucking hangover_. All he wanted was a cup of coffee but he was not about to get one while the redhead was by the coffee maker. He heard Aya pouring coffee into the mug. He heard him turn around and stifle a nearly inaudible gasp when he saw him at the table, but he didn't raise his head. He heard quickening footsteps and just when Aya was about gone, he raised his head and looked at the back of the redhead, pain unmistakably written in his face. 

He got up from the table and went to get his own steaming mug of coffee. After gulping it all down, he sat down again and tried to get his thoughts in order. It didn't help that he still had a splitting headache that made him feel like his skull was cracking. He got up to get another mug of coffee, sat down and composed himself. Damn him if he was gonna get up and face Aya looking like some pained bastard or anything. He was going to be civil. Even if it meant pretending that he didn't care anymore. He was going to prove to Aya that he wasn't weak, he was going to show Aya that he could live knowing that Aya didn't care, he was going to show Aya even if it killed him inside, even when he knew that it was just a lie. 

Aya tensed when Youji entered the store expecting the blonde to say something about his behavior yesterday. Surprisingly, Youji just walked past him, going towards the shelf that held their displays of arrangements and straightening them up. When he was finished, he went to the back and got to started to work on a couple of arrangements to be picked up at noon. Aya was left alone to man the shop but he didn't mind as there weren't any customers at all and I kept him from facing Youji although he did feel a little hurt by the blonde's uncharacteristic lack of emotion. It pained him to know that Youji was coping while he was still hurting but he had it coming. _Pretty stupid of me to feel hurt after coldly brushing him off yesterday. This is all your fault, Fujimiya, and you better live with it._ Aya thought mentally berating himself for thinking that the other assassin might want to talk after yesterday's incident. He sighed and slumped at the chair he had pulled next to the cash register_. I guess this is it, huh, Youji?_ He thought to himself. A tear silently fell from his eye. He wiped it off quickly not realizing that it had already fallen. It won't do any good to cry again. He had better keep himself together. It wouldn't be good if he suddenly ended up crying in the middle of the Koneko any time soon. He had made his decision and he had to live with it. He had driven Youji away only to be left with an aching hole inside his heart. The same line kept running over and over again in his mind, almost like a mantra. 

_You don't deserve him you bastard and you never will. You don't deserve Youji._

Youji was startled to hear a crash coming from the outer area of the shop. He mentally kicked himself and sprang into action, quickly jogging towards the noise to see if anything had gone wrong. 

The crashing sound had apparently come from a pot that Aya was attempting to move and had dropped. The redhead was currently in the process of picking up the shards of pottery when he felt another presence next to him. He stiffened when he saw a golden toned hand pick up several shards of pottery. The hand stopped midway sensing the tension in the redhead. Youji sighed and spoke rather quietly. 

"Look Aya, its not my fault I had to switch shifts with Ken this morning. I'm sorry if this is making you feel uncomfortable but please just let me help." 

"It's okay." Aya muttered, gathering the rest of the shards of broken pottery and throwing them into the trash. He watched as Youji got a broom and dustpan and started to sweep away the mess. 

_Fucking clumsy bastard._ He muttered to himself. What the hell had possessed him to drop the pot? He had been intent on moving the potted plant when he caught a glimpse of Youji at the back room making an arrangement of roses. For some reason he had stopped and felt guilt wrenching him inside. He wanted the other man so badly, but he just couldn't get himself to say it. He was overcome with guilt, he was too tainted, he wasn't good enough for the other man. Almost unknowing, he had dropped the pot earning him a violent crash and a mess to clean-up. He hadn't expected Youji to come and help him that's why he was shocked when he saw Youji helping him. 

God, the man was beautiful. The sun hit his hair making it appear like gold. He didn't have his usual eyeglasses so his jade green eyes were visible, full of concentration, intent on sweeping up all the dirt on the shop floor. Youji's skin was a tanned golden brown, his lithe frame was tall, easily a head taller than Aya his muscles well-toned. Aya felt himself drawn to the jade of those eyes. He liked everything about Youji but it was the eyes that drew him. It was so unlike his own, always crinkling up and filling with laughter. Youji's eyes never turned cold, except on missions. It was always full of joy but when you looked deep into it, you can see the extent of the pain the man had experienced. Youji glanced at Aya, catching the younger man looking at him. Aya quickly averted his gaze and went to the back to retrieve another pot to place the fallen plant in. 

When he got back to the shop, he got the plant inside the pot and Youji poured in the soil he had just swept up. Youji carefully carried it to its place. He walked back up to Aya and said quietly. 

"Look, this isn't working too well and I don't blame you. Were both on edge and I know you know it too," Youji looked at Aya and caught his eyes. 

"Maybe you should go rest up, Aya. I'll take care of the shop. There aren't any customers anyway and Ken and Omi will be back in time to help out if the place gets too crowded. Go on, it's okay." Aya started to shake his head, to refuse the blonde's offer but he was cut off by Youji. "It's okay aya. I'll be okay," he smiled sadly at the redhead and walked towards the counter. 

When Youji looked back, Aya had already gone off. 

Aya had just woken up from a nap. It was night and he knew that the Koneko had already closed. He hadn't gone out of his room since his morning shift with Youji. He had taken to staying in his room, reading. When he had finished his novel, he had gone off to sleep a little. The inexplicable feeling of someone watching him waked him. He groggily opened his eyes and let it adjust to the dark. A pale stream of light was visible from the doorway where the silhouette of Youji was discernible. Aya held his breath and sat up. 

"You're awake," Youji murmured. 

"How long have you been watching me?" Aya asked coldly, aware of the feelings surfacing inside him. He hadn't expected o find Youji in his room when he woke up. Youji slowly went from his post at the doorway towards a chair in the corner of Aya's room. The room was dark and the light spilling from the hallway was not enough to illuminate the lanky frame of the blonde sitting in the corner. Aya watched him and waited for a response. When none came, he repeated his question inserting more venom into the words. "How long have you been watching me?" he hissed at the man. 

Aya heard Youji sigh. "Not long. I just came here to apologize." Aya was stunned. He hadn't expected to hear that. 

"For what?" He heard himself reply. 

"For yesterday." Aya caught some movement from Youji's corner and saw the man raise his head. Even though they were surrounded by darkness, Aya was able to meet Youji's gaze. He saw the pain and confusion in the jade green eyes and Aya wanted nothing more than to walk towards him and say that he loved him but he reminded himself that he can't. Youji was not for hi, never will be. Youji did not deserve someone as tainted as he already is. A few seconds passed and Youji resumed speaking. 

"I'm sorry to have said all those things Aya. I don't want to hurt you but don't expect me to take them back," the blonde said quietly pain distinct in his tone of voice. 

"I'm sorry if I bothered you and I promise it won't happen again but you have to understand that what I feel won't change. I guess it never will." 

Aya felt his throat go dry and felt the guilt coursing through his body. It pained him to hear the hurt in Youji's voice. He felt grieved that he had caused the blonde so much pain yet he still couldn't bring himself to tell Youji the truth. _He doesn't deserve you_. Aya kept repeating the words over and over in his head. He broke their gazes and concentrated on staring at his hands which were now clenched tightly in his sheets. 

A few minutes later he raised his head expecting to find the room empty save for himself but was surprised that the blonde now stood over him. He found himself drawn to Youji's eyes and was shocked when he felt soft lips graze his own. The touch was fleeting and Aya wanted the softness back. He closed his eyes and felt Youji's lips next to his ear and heard the words which caused him to open his eyes in pain and shock as the reality of the words hit his senses. Youji placed his hand on his arm and silently whispered to his ear, 

"I still love you, Aya Fujimiya." Having said it all, he pressed another soft kiss to the redhead's forehead and turned to walk quietly away. 

"Youji, wait…" Aya said it before he could stop himself. Youji stopped and turned back towards him, eyes full of confusion. 

"I'm sorry…" Aya stammered, his voice breaking with the intensity of the gaze set upon him. "I…" but he was cut off by the sound of the door chimes tinkling. Both he and Youji glanced outside the room wondering who was the visitor when they heard a clipped female voice announce, "Mission Time." 

It was Manx.


	3. Unable To Feel Chapter Three

Unable to Feel 

Chapter Three 

Disclaimer: I do not own weiss, 'nuf said! 

Notes: Sorry bout the paragraphs and spaces! I'll double check and make sure that this time there are enough breaks and spaces for you to be able to read properly. Thanks for all those who took the time to review the fic c",) J B-) The reviews were a big help! Thanks again! Please review this chapter again. Thanks! 

_Gewerkschaft der Schatten. _Union of Shadows. That was the code given to the hidden agendas of Yamamoto Limited. The shady organization run by Gendo Yamamoto along with the country's other reputably shady but wealthy citizens. The underground operation was known for abducting innocent teenagers and minors and selling them as slaves or toys to wealthy people with a perverse idea of fun and torture for a big, fat profit. Operations were veiled with a heavy cloak of secrecy. The mission was simple enough. Infiltrate the building, get the information and terminate the targets namely Gendo Yamamoto himself, the head of the organization, Yue Izanagi who handles the sales, Keiko Kirisawa who obtains prospective merchandise and Saiha Murasaki, information specialist. 

All of them were already at the mission room, Youji sitting in an armchair, Ken and Omi at the coach and Aya leaning against the wall bathed in shadows. Manx had already left. All had the files for the missions. It was scheduled for the next night and since the mission involved scouting, surveillance and gathering of information in less than 24 hours, the Koneko would be manned by Momoe-san tomorrow. Manx had already left and the assassins were left studying the files and formulating a plan. Inside the files were maps of the property that housed the headquarters of the Gewerkschoft der Schotten. It was divided into four buildings. Apparently, the targets worked in different fields of the operation and worked independently of each other often contacting others only when necessary. Although they rarely ever got to see each other, most operations between the four leaders of the filthy organization went without a hitch. Local officials never found any trace of the organization being connected to various kidnappings and abductions. They never left a trail and presented a clean image to the public. It would be satisfying to take them down. 

The mission was going to be a bit hard for Weiss. Four buildings meant four separate ways meaning they wouldn't be in contact with each other physically, they would only be able to communicate through their communication units. Naturally, Omi was to go after Saiha Murasaki as he was the one most capable of obtaining the information from her obviously encrypted computer. Ken would go after Keiko Kirisawa, Youji after Yue Izanagi and Aya after Gendo Yamamoto. The next morning, Aya and Ken would stake out the place and Omi and Youji would try to obtain other necessary information about the group. Omi would also be taking up to hacking into the compounds security systems and disabling it before the mission. 

Omi laid out their plans for the next night. After terminating the targets, they were to set of explosives in each building marking the Union of shadows officially closed. After careful planning of tactics, all of them finally retired and went to sleep. 

Night came. It came too quickly for a certain Youji Kudoh. He was already running late and he hastily out on his watch and coat, the one that he used only for missions. There was going to be hell to pay if he didn't drag his butt down as fast as he could. _Fuck._ He still had another important thing to do and he had to do it fast. He only hoped that Aya had already gone out of his room. 

"Where have you been?" the icy voice hit Youji's ears and was equally matched by a frigid stare from a pair of purple eyes. 

"I had to do something." Youji said, dismissing the subject. He turned to gaze at Aya hoping to find some warmth, but all he saw was the coldness that was Abyssinian, Weiss assassin. It figures. When it came to missions, Aya never lost control, he kept his cool. There was no way he was gonna let that confrontation from yesterday affect his performance. Youji sauntered to the car, shooting their leader an indifferent gaze. 

"Why does it matter, anyway? I'm here already, aren't I?" he asked dismissively. The purple orbs flickered and turned as hard as gems, splintering the light that came from the lamppost in the street. Youji couldn't help but stare at the sheer beauty of those eyes. Amongst other things, Aya's eyes captivated him. It was an almost inhuman shade of amethyst and even when filled with loathing and coldness, those eyes still seemed beautiful in their own ethereal beauty. Youji was jolted back to reality by Aya's angry reply. 

"We cannot afford you running late on missions Youji. We cannot afford to botch up a mission just because we were too late because we waited for you. You're an assassin Youji, you're part of Weiss, being punctual is important, you should know that by now." Angry violet orbs abruptly tore their gaze away and turned to occupy the driver's seat. Youji waved a hand dismissively at the uptight redhead and got into the front seat. 

"Chill out, Aya. I was only a few minutes late. Besides, I had to drop something off to someone equally important." The blonde retorted a sly and playful smile beginning to form on his lips. 

"What the hell is more important than a mission?" Aya practically shouted not caring that the other two younger assassins were looking at both of them quizzically. They were probably surprised by Aya's reaction to Youji's being late for a mere five minutes and shocked that their leader would have taken to lecturing Youji even if they were still ahead of schedule. 

The smile on Youji's lips widened even more. He glanced at his redheaded companion noting the grim set of his mouth and the tension in his body. He let another smirk cross his lips and put on his sunglasses. "Oh you'll find out soon enough." 

Aya was fuming. He did not know why he had reacted like that. Youji wasn't that late and they weren't late. They were probably still ahead of schedule. He just couldn't help it. The blonde's total lack of reaction made him uneasy. After all that had happened, Youji was treating him just like he did during any other mission night. It was unnerving to see how unaffected the blonde was given the current situation. He glanced sideways and saw Youji gazing at the roads outside the car and smiling contentedly. _Stupid bastard_. Aya hissed to himself. Then he mentally kicked himself for having thought of such a thing. Youji hadn't done anything to him and sure as hell didn't deserve the insult, silently said or not but he just couldn't help it. What Youji had said a while later had unnerved him, _drop something off to someone equally importan_t. Those were his words. _Who the hell?_ Aya thought to himself, then stopped himself. He was surprised to know that he wanted to find out who it is, he wanted to know what Youji was hiding. _Or maybe you're just jealous._ An inner voice nagged at him. "Oh shut up." Aya muttered silently to himself and concentrated on the drive towards the compound of the _Schatten_. 

"Siberian?" 

"I'm in." 

"Bombay?"

"Clear." 

"Balinese?" 

"In." 

They had managed to enter the compound undetected, thanks to Omi's skill of tampering with the security systems. They split up and sought their own targets. 

Omi was up in the air vents of the building that housed Saiha Murasaki. Stealthily making his way from room to room, he managed to find the vent leading to the hallway of the main office of the information specialist. He peeked in between the bars and fired a couple of shots with his crossbow at the two guards standing guard near the target's door. He hit one at the heart and the other at the throat, emitting an almost inaudible gurgle. Blood sprouted from the guard's mouth. Omi checked to see if any guards were coming. When he found none, he quietly pried open the vent, jumped down to the hallway and entered the office. He switched on his comm. unit and muttered, "Approaching target, Bombay out.' 

Ken had managed to get in, dodging a couple of guards and killing some in the process. Thankfully, his entry had gone unnoticed and he hid in the hallway adjacent to the target's office, Keiko Kirisawa. He peered into the office's hallway and stealthily made his way towards the guards when he saw that none of them were paying attention. With a violent move, a slash and a ripping motion, both guards were killed by bloody gashes that hit their vital parts. Ken sheathed his claws for the moment and looked around, expecting to find more guards coming. Hen he found none, he stealthily made his way towards the target's office switch on his comm. unit, muttered "approaching target" and went in 

Youji was in. he had used his wire to sever the guards stationed outside the building and had used it yet again to choke off some others who stood in his way. He ran down the hallway, feet making no noise as he approached his target's office. On his way there, he ran across some more guards. He stopped and looped out his wire, twining it on one mans neck then the other man's neck, flashing them an evil smirk, he tightened the cords in one fluid motion and severed both men's heads. The third guard had recovered quickly from shock of seeing an infiltrator and had begun to draw his gun but Youji was too fast. His wire snaked its way to the guard's arm, rendering it unmovable and again twined it around his next. He pulled the wire taut causing blood to rush from the guard's mouth. He pulled at the wire again choking the man. Silently, he hauled his wire back and padded down the hallway. The guards at the door of the target's office were clearly not paying any attention. It was easy for Youji to slip in, wield his wire and kill the obstacles. Once done, he calmly pulled back his wire into his watch, stepped over the bodies and proceeded to enter the office of Yue Izanagi. He switched on his comm. unit and muttered "approaching target," the smirk almost discernible from his voice. 

"Abyssinian in and approaching target," Aya muttered to his comm. unit. He was a bit perturbed, even a bit wary. Gaining entrance to the compound had just been too easy. He had had few run-ins and virtually no guards made their presence known. He had a nagging feeling in his gut. It was too easy and Yamamoto's building was supposed to be the most heavily guarded of the four since he was the head of the Schatten. Aya quietly slipped inside the office, and was surprised to find nobody there. Aya tensed. Gendo Yamamoto was a deadly man, according to the file he had read. He wasn't like the usual wealthy filth that they exterminated who needed an army of bodyguards to keep them safe. Gendo was no ordinary man. He was well trained in martial arts and was once said to have been an assassin, such as himself, lending his skills to shady businessmen without a care for the job as long as it brought him a big, fat profit. He gazed around the room once more, taking in the surroundings. A prickling sensation rose on the back of his next. He turned around and gasped letting loose a torrent of curses under his breath. Gendo Yamamoto stood before him, a smirk visible in his slimy features. 

"Come to get me, assassin?" he mocked Aya. Aya chose not to respond and glared daggers at the man. He raised his katana high and was just about to charge after the man when Gendo raised a finger and wagged it. The smirk widened and the man said, "Wait. You amuse me, assassin. Thank you for your help. I happen to know that as of now, your accomplices have made their way towards my colleagues and have killed them. I appreciate the help since I've wanted those three dead so I could run the Schatten all by myself. I hardly imagined that a group of assassins would be the ones to help me. I also have it in good authority that you came here to kill me. But you must understand something, to get me, you'll have to go through them." he smiled even more widely as he gestured towards the open doorway. Aya's senses jolted him back, rrealization hit him. _We helped, God, we helped him._ He thought to himself frantically. Gendo must have seen the look ion his face since his smirk widened even more. He slipped out and in his place came an army of guards. All highly trained. All carrying guns. All guns aimed at him. _Shit._

Omi was out. He had successfully killed the target and escaped. He switched on his comm. and called for the other guys. 

"Siberian? You out?" 

"Yeah, Bombay, I'm coming. Got delayed by a few guards. How're the others?" 

"I'll check. Balinese? Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, Bombay, I'm heading out. Where's Abyssinian?" 

'I don't know he hasn't contacted yet, I'll try to reach him." 

Omi was just about to call out to Aya when he heard the unmistakable sound of deafening gunshots in his headset. Shakily he switched back to Balinese. 

"Balinese/" 

"Bombay?" 

"Abyssinians in trouble." 

"Shit. I'm going after him." 

"Balinese, no…" 

"You stay out there with Siberian and stand guard, I'll go get Abyssinian. Balinese off." 

Omi turned off the comm. unit and felt a feeling of unease wash over him. Aya was in trouble. He felt tense. He spotted Ken coming up from one of the farther buildings along the compound, jogging towards him. When Ken saw the fear in the younger assassins eyes, he gently inquired. "Bombay, what's wrong?" Omi stared up at ken with watery, unseeing eyes. He didn't even bother with the code. "Ken, Aya's in trouble." The older boy was shocked. _Shit. _

Youji quickly rushed towards the building next to the one he had come from. Aya was in trouble. _Shit._ Why had the man insisted on taking up Gendo Yamamoto alone? _Stupid, stubborn prick_. Youji felt himself tense as he entered the building, within seconds he again heard the deafening sounds of gunshot. "Jesus fucking Christ." He cursed silently. _Hold on Aya, I'm coming_. 

"SHI-NE!" Aya shouted and launched himself into the guards that blocked the doorway. He ran towards them, decapitating and injuring them all at once. He brutally wielded his sword clearing a path for him to escape. So far he only had a few more hallways to go before he could make it out into the lobby of the building and run out to safety. The number of guards were increasing and Aya brutally sliced through them determined to gain an exit. He didn't notice an almost infinitesimal thread of wire snake its way into the throng and decapitate a few couple of heads. He only noticed them when the heads had fallen off and behind them stood Youji. His brow was knit in concentration as he worked the wire towards two other guards and pulled it taut. Working together they managed to make it down to the lobby. Aya was injured, hit in the leg and was limping. Youji let him go first. Just when they thought they were safe, a new army of guards came. Youji saw them and he pushed Aya out towards the door just as the guards began shooting. He tried to use his wire but he had now taken a shot in his shoulder and one in his side that burned like hell. He tried to crawl towards the door but it was slammed closed by one of the guards. Youji, already drowsy with blood loss, was kicked in the ribs causing the pain in his injured side to flare up and a few ribs to break. He now had two gunshots and fractured ribs. A man made his way slowly to him, smirking in a way that made Youji want to kill him. He chuckled softly and said, "So, you've come to save your redheaded friend, ne? Lucky for him, he got away but not so lucky for you isn't it?" as if his current injuries wasn't enough, he was knocked on the head by the butt of a gun. He fell unconscious and his last thoughts were _I saved you, Aya. I love you_. Then all turned black. 

Ken and Omi saw it. Aya was thrown outside the building looking like he was shoved all the way out. His leg was bleeding. The younger assassins ran up to their leader. They saw him get up and race back towards the door but it slammed close in his face. The redheaded assassin tried to break open the door, kicking and pushing with all his worth. Then they heard him scream, "Balinese!!!" Ken and Omi froze. Youji was inside, trapped. With no way out. They reached Aya just in time to pull him away from the door as a hail of bullets shot through it. 

"Let go! Ken! Omi! Let go! Youji's in there! I've got to get him!" The younger assassins were alarmed. There was a trace of what sounded like hysteria in Aya's voice and it made him all the more scared. 

"LET GO!" the redhead shouted but Ken and Omi dragged him away. 

"No, Aya. You'll only hurt yourself. If you go with us now, there might be a chance to save Youji but if you return there and get caught we just might not be able to see him again." Omi reasoned. 

The redhead stopped struggling and let himself be dragged off. When they were a fair few miles away. They turned back, guilt coursing through them for leaving one of their teammates in a place like that. Both ken and Omi stared at Aya. He had an indiscernible look on his face and when the lights from the street illuminated his features, Omi saw a single tear slide down his cheek. 

The three assassins made their way back owards the Koneko. Their return trip was quiet. Ken had driven and Aya had sat in the front seat and kept quiet with a glazed look over his features. Once they entered the place, Aya quickly went down to the mission room and began riffling through some files about their target, Gendo Yamamoto. He was like that when Ken and Omi followed him down. Slowly, omi approached aya while ken stayed behind wary of the mood of the temperamental redhead. 

'Aya, maybe you should go to sleep." Omi suggested timidly. 

"No. I need to find a way to bring Youji back.' The redhead said almost desperately, a touch of panic creeping up his voice. 

"Aya, I'll help you in the morning just not now. You need to rest. I promise you, Aya, we'll get him back." Omi said. 

"Yeah, Aya, we'll bring Youji back.' Ken murmured almost quietly. 

Omi stared at the redhead's hands. They were shaking and Aya's breathing was ragged. "I have to find a way now, Omi. I have to find it now." The redhead whispered. 

Omi laid a hand on Aya'a arm. Aya stared at him thorugh wide, haunted eyes. Omi choked back a sob, seeing Aya like this was enough to break his heart. 

"Aya?" 

"Yes?" 

"Do you love him?" 

The words jolted Aya. He tensed, stiffened and faced Omi. A pained expression crossed his face. He let go of the sheaf of papers he was holding, letting them float towards the floor. He held Omi's gaze for a moment then tore out of the room. 

Aya ran as fast as he could upstairs. He wanted to go, to leave, and to do something to help Youji but he didn't know what to do. He climbed the stairs as fast as he could and quickly entered his room. He switched on the light and his gaze fell on the middle of his plain and made bed. His mind flashed back to the words Youji had said earlier that night. _"I had to drop something off to someone equally important."_ Now Aya knew why Youji was late. Now he knew exactly what that something was and who that someone was. His heart ached and tears flowed freely down his cheeks for there, in the middle of his bed rested a singled cattleya flower tied with a jade green ribbon that was the exact same color as Youji's eyes. He slumped in his doorway, his feet crumpling up from the night's exhaustion, from the gun shot he had taken and from the clenched grip that was currently tearing apart his heart. He bowed his head and murmured silently, in a voice so defeated, to the air that hung in his room. 

"I don't know what to do anymore…" 


	4. Unable To Feel Chapter Four

Unable To Feel  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Weiss Kreuz...  
  
Author's Notes: Sorry for the delay. To make up for it, this chapter is quite long. d;-)  
  
//-indicates flashback  
=-indicates dream  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The place was dark and smelled dank. Youji slowly opened his eyes, trying to get accustomed to the darkness surrounding him. He tried to move his hand but then realized that it was bound behind him. He was sitting in what was probably a basement floor littered with dirt and things he dared not name. He glanced left and right and vaguely made out the shape of a doorway. He tried to move his body to find a more comfortable position but a stabbing pain shot up from his chest. Broken ribs. Gun shot. He smelled dried blood. He peered at his shoulder and saw the wound that indicated another gunshot. Moving his legs, he silently thanked all the gods when he found that they weren't immobile. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and relived the horror that he had gone through the past few days.   
  
//Aya was in trouble, Omi had told him so. He immediately rushed towards the building that housed the office and living quarters of Gendo Yamamoto. As soon as he got in, he climbed the stairs, primed to hear even the slightest noise. When he got to the floor where the offices were located, he heard a shouted Shi-ne that unmistakably came from Aya's mouth. He ran quickly and silently, taking the long and twisted hallways at a remarkable speed. When he turned the corner of the hallway, he found an army of bodyguards separating him from the place where he guessed Aya was standing. Random thoughts had floated around his mind at that time.  
  
Where's Aya?  
  
Is he okay?  
  
Is he dead?  
  
Is he hurt?  
  
Then he caught a flash of red.   
  
That was all it took. He launched himself at the first line of intruders. With one quick movement he had severed the head of two and decapitated three. He fought his way towards the redhead, using his wire for all its worth. When Aya looked up and saw him, he flashed him a smile. He couldn't read the expression on Aya's face but he had several more guards to terminate so he didn't dwell long on the thought.   
  
When all the guards were down, he had grabbed Aya's arm and ran as fast as he could towards the lobby where they could gain exit. They were nearly there when out of the corner of his eye, Youji saw a man that was unmistakably Gendo Yamamoto leading an army of guards towards them. He had pushed Aya in front of him. He chanced another look back and saw the muzzles of the automatics pointed at them. He hastily shoved Aya towards the open door. No sooner had he done that, a guards appeared in front of him and pushed the door closed. An army of bullets shot from behind him. He managed to dodge a few of them as he lunged towards the side but he had taken two hits, one on his side and one on his shoulder. Already weakened from the exhaustion of fighting a ton of guards, he was losing consciousness because of the blood loss. He closed his eyes at the burning pain in his side and shoulder. When he opened them again, he saw the face of Gendo Yamamoto staring back at him.   
  
So, you've come to save your redheaded friend, ne? Lucky for him, he got away but not so lucky for you isn't it?  
  
He received a brutal kick at the ribs and heard a few of them crack. He shut his eyes again, willing the pain to go away.   
  
This is for Aya he told himself over and over again.  
  
When he opened them, he saw that Gendo had walked away, but he could still hear his sick laughter. He rolled over to his side and his hand touched something long, thin and metal. He glanced towards the object. Aya's earring.   
  
It must have fallen when I shoved him out.   
  
He clutched the earring tightly in his left hand, the one without the injured shoulder. When he started to turn back to the guards, he was violently knocked out by the butt of a gun. His last thoughts were I saved you, Aya. I love you. //   
  
Youji felt for the earring. It was still clutched tightly in his left hand. His bound hands caused a torrent of pain for his injured shoulder. He felt the bruise caused by the gun throbbing on his head. He realized that aside from what he remembered, he might have also been beaten when he was unconscious. That explained the amount of pain he was in as of this moment. He tried to close his eyes and drift back into unconsciousness but visions of the redheaded assassin kept appearing in his mind. His grip tightened on the earring. Unconsciously, a tear slowly made its way down his cheek.  
  
I promise I'll be back Aya. I'll bring this earring back to you. I'll come back for you. I love you.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
=Aya was trapped. There was no way out. He was about to die when Youji suddenly came and rescued him. They fought off all the guards and headed towards the exit. For some strange reason, Youji had pushed him in front of him. Aya could see the exit. They were almost there when he felt Youji shove him outside. He landed sprawled on the pavement. He got p and went towards the door but it shut in his face. He knocked and banged at the door. He felt two sets of arms pushing him, dragging him away from the door and Youji. He heard himself scream and beg for them to let go but they didn't. Just as he was dragged away from the door, a hail of bullets shot through. Youji. A vision of Youji shot through with the bullets crossed his mind.  
  
Youji was in there.   
  
Youji saved him.   
  
Youji was trapped.   
  
Youji was in danger.   
  
Youji could be dead...=  
  
Aya jerked awake. He was covered with cold sweat. He glanced at the clock on his bedside table. It read 6:09 a.m. He sank back down on the mattress of his bed. He tried to catch his breathing. He was breathing short pants and his heart was racing. It was just a dream, he thought. Then he shook his head.  
  
"No, it was a nightmare."   
  
He glanced around his room. Everything was in place. His gaze traveled to his hand. In it, he clutched a single cattleya bloom tied with a jade green ribbon. He laid the flower gently at his bedside table. The flower was from Youji.   
  
He rose from the bed and took a shower. He dressed quickly and exited his bedroom, heading down the hallway towards the mission room. He paused at the door of Youji's room. He opened the door and went inside. He was hit by the smell of cigarettes and liquor. Youji's smell. He walked towards the bed and sat down. It had been three days since he had last seen Youji. Three days since that mission. He reached for the piece of clothing that hung on the headboard. It was one of Youji's shirts. He brought the shirt to his face, inhaling the smell that was pure Youji. He sat there for a few minutes, and then stood up. He went back to the hallway and closed the door.   
  
Aya made his way towards the mission room. When he sat down, he immediately worked on the files that contained information on Gendo Yamamoto. The man is going to die. Aya will kill him. For Youji. Aya will kill him.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
Omi made his way down towards the shop. He opened up the Koneko and waited for his other teammates. The day was warm and the sun was shining but Omi couldn't find any reason to smile. Youji was captured and they still haven't saved him yet. They had had Gendo's compound under surveillance for the past two days and still they had found out nothing. One thing was for certain. Youji was still in the building. They haven't moved him yet.  
  
Omi made his way towards the counter and set himself down on one of the chairs. He rubbed his tired eyes and shook his head to wake himself. When he looked back up, he found that Ken had already entered the shop. Omi managed a tiny smile.  
  
"Ohayo, Ken-kun."  
  
"Hey, Omi."  
  
The brunette was just as strained as Omi was. Ken had circles under his eyes and the smile he had shot Omi was forced. Omi felt sad because this had never happened to them before. They had never lost a teammate during one of their missions but nevertheless; they were determined to get Youji back. Omi thought of Aya and how the incident had affected him. His thoughts went back to the night of the mission, the night when he saw Aya broken, the fear and hysteria that he had seen in their leader's eyes. Aya was hurting and Omi knew it.   
  
"Ken-kun could you watch the shop for awhile? I'm just going to go check up on Aya."  
  
"Sure, Omi." Ken replied albeit a bit absentmindedly.   
  
Omi made his way towards the mission room. He knew that Aya was there. That was where Aya had spent all of his free time. He was still researching and planning for their mission tonight. Tonight, they were scheduled to infiltrate yet again Gendo Yamamoto's compound and save Youji. Kritiker had given its assent since they had delivered the information from the last mission promptly and since Youji was an asset that Kritiker could not afford to lose. They had given the three remaining Weiss assassins unlimited resources.  
  
He tentatively knocked at the door and opened it. He found Aya at his usual spot in the room, notes, maps and plans sprawled around him in disarray. The computer was on. Omi walked towards Aya. He tried to lay his hand on the redheads shoulder, hesitated, and then dropped it instead.  
  
"Aya?"  
  
"Hn?"  
  
"Maybe you should rest,"  
  
"I'm okay. I have to do something. Its my fault Youji got into this mess."  
  
Omi was stunned to hear those words. It wasn't Aya's fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. The security level at the building was just high. Aya shouldn't be blaming himself. Without hesitation, he laid his hand on Aya's shoulder. He felt Aya slump from beneath his hand.  
  
"Listen, Aya. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. We don't blame you and I'm sure Youji won't too."  
  
Omi turned the redhead to face him. He saw the haunted amethyst eyes staring back at him. Omi's heart ached for Aya. He wiped away the tear that had fallen from Aya's eyes. It was enough to make Omi cry. Aya never showed weakness. He never showed any emotion. Aya was as cold as ice, unable to feel most of the time. Now, he was broken.  
  
"Aya, you shouldn't torture yourself like this. If Youji gets... when Youji gets back, and he will, he wouldn't want to see you like this," Omi took a deep breath. "He loves you, Aya," he added silently.  
  
Aya stiffened beneath his touch. The redhead turned so his back was facing Omi. A few tense seconds passed, then Aya said something barely audible. Omi wouldn't have heard it if he weren't listening.  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
Omi took another deep breath.  
  
"I can see it in his eyes, in the way he looks at you. I can hear it every time he talks to you,"  
  
Aya turned to face Omi, eyes brimming with tears. Omi held his gaze and continued talking.  
  
"All you have to do is listen, Aya," he said softly. "Maybe if you open this up," Omi laid his hand on the left side of his chest, atop his heart. "Then you'll also be able to hear it."  
  
Omi brought his hand down and walked slowly back towards the door. Just as he was about to close the door behind him, he turned back around and quietly said,  
  
"He loves you, Aya and I know you love him too."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
They had already gone around the building twice checking for guards. The ones that they saw they killed quickly. They had already entered the building. Now it was time for them to yet again separate. The building was too large for them to search so Omi and Ken were to take the upper floors and Aya was to take the lower floors and the basement. They stealthily made their way around the building dodging and killing obstacles in the form of guards. The plan was to locate Youji, get him to safety and kill Gendo Yamamoto to put the Schatten permanently out of business.   
  
They had split up and Aya is already making his way down towards the basement. He had already searched the other lower floors but found no trace of him. Suddenly he heard the elevator descend and open to dislodge more intruders. They were talking rather loudly. Aya hid behind several of the crates stacked on the dark basement and listened to every word.  
  
"Why'd the boss want the boy,"  
  
'I think he's decided to sell 'im."  
  
"Who'd want the punk?" a guard snorted.  
  
"You obviously haven't seen 'im yet," answered the previous guard.  
  
Aya stealthily followed them, senses tuned in to every noise around him. Finally he caught sight of Youji, bound in one corner of the basement unconscious. He hid once more and turned on his comm. unit.  
  
'Bombay?"  
  
"Abyssinian?"  
  
"I've got him."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Down here, on the basement."  
  
"Alright. Siberian and I will follow. Bombay out"  
  
Aya switched off the speaker in his unit. He sneaked glance towards the guards who were standing in front of Youji. He heard one of them speaking.  
  
"Well, whaddya know? Guys a pretty little kitten! What say we have a little fun?"  
  
Laughter followed this statement. He heard one of them kick Youji solidly in he stomach. A groan issued from the blonde's mouth, Aya's blood began to boil.  
  
"Rise and shine, pretty little kitty," the guard said and he leered at Youji.  
  
Youji forced his eyes to open and his mouth to work.  
  
"Bastard." he hissed at the guard then spit on the guard's shoes.  
  
The guard hoisted him up and stared him face to face. Youji didn't even blink.  
  
"The son of a bitch's got spirit." the guard drawled. He smiled at Youji showing stained teeth and a few gaps in between. He threw Youji against the wall. Youji immediately fell and another groan came from him. The guards laughed.  
  
"Maybe we could play with him for awhile?" one of the guards suggested.  
  
"Love to, but we've got to take him up." the guard sighed. "He would have made a good toy, though. Pity he's about to die."  
  
At that moment Aya launched himself from behind his hiding place and struck his katana at the back of the guard. The sword sank into the flesh and went all the way out to his chest. The blade had struck the bastard's heart. Aya removed the sword and let the body fall in front of him. The other guards then saw him and all were paralyzed with shock.  
  
"I was just about to say the same thing about him." Aya said.  
  
He turned to face the remaining guards and with a swift move, decapitated two of their heads. The remaining guards, not nearly as stupid as the ones who were killed, wisely moved back. Aya glanced towards Youji. He caught the blonde's eye. Youji held his gaze for a few seconds.  
  
"Aya?" he whispered the word as if the simple task of talking caused him so much pain. Then he slipped back into unconsciousness.   
  
Aya turned back to the other. He was just about to run his sword through another one when the guard fell. He saw the crossbow bolt lodged in the guard's throat. Then from the corner of his eye, he saw Ken rushing at the nearest guard, slashing with his bugnuks. When the last of the guards were eliminated, Aya made his way towards Youji. He knelt beside the blonde, smoothing down the unruly curls. His fingers ran across a lump on Youji's head. His gaze swept over Youji checking for injuries. He saw the wound in his arm and side. He quickly probed the wound, checking for bullets. He found none. He untied Youji's hands. One hand was clenched tightly against something. He checked Youji's ribs. A few were broken.   
  
"Siberian, Bombay,"  
  
"Yes, Abyssinian?"  
  
"Get Balinese to the car. I'll take care of Gendo."  
  
Aya reluctantly let go of Youji and stood up. He walked towards the elevator and rode up to the floor that would take him to his target's lair.   
  
The place was quiet. Gendo probably wasn't expecting any intruders. He probably thought that Weiss wouldn't launch another attack. The hallways were deserted. He reached Yamamoto's office. Quietly, he opened the door. He saw Gendo Yamamoto standing by the window, his back to him. He was a handsome man, with wavy, black hair and a friendly mouth. He had a lean body from his martial arts and assassin training, but whatever warmth could be conveyed in his appearance was lost if you looked into his eyes. The eyes were empty black pools with no emotion.   
  
Aya sneaked up behind him. He was talking on the phone. Judging from the way the conversation was going, it was his wife. Aya drew his katana and laid it at gendo's neck. He felt the man stiffen and tense. Gendo Yamamoto dropped the phone. Aya leaned towards Gendo Yamamoto and whispered in his ear.  
  
"Say goodbye to your wife for the last time because the next time you open your eyes, you'll be rotting in hell."   
  
Aya moved back a bit and with one swift motion, the katana sliced cleanly through Gendo Yamamoto's neck, decapitating him. Aya knelt down and wiped the sword on the jacket of the man's suit. He walked towards the door without a backward glance and made his way towards the exit.  
  
When he got out, Omi and Ken were already at the car, sitting in the backseat. They had settled Youji at the front. Aya got into the driver's seat and revved up the car. He glanced at the limp form of Youji beside him and prayed to God they weren't too late.  
  
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Youji opened his eyes. Where was he? He couldn't be in that damn basement anymore. He felt... comfortable. He realized he was lying in his own satin sheets. His head still throbbed and his ribs still ached but most of the pain had diminished. Who had rescued him?  
  
Aya.  
  
He remembered. He was awakened by a sharp kick to his gut. The guard had thrown him across the wall and he had slumped down, nearly unconscious. Then he heard the unmistakable sound of a katana whooshing through the air. He had looked up and met Aya's gaze. He was there. Aya was there. But how? Then he had fallen back into the black pit of darkness.  
  
Aya must have rescued him. Aya, Ken and Omi. They must have rescued him. His gaze went to his hand. Amazingly, he was still holding the earring. He glanced towards his window. He breath caught.  
  
Aya was standing by his window. The moon served as background, bathing him with light giving him a kind of ethereal glow. His crimson hair shone and fell softly across his face framing his features perfectly. His amethyst eyes shone with moonlight, his ruby red lips matched his face perfectly. Youji could see all of Aya's perfect features. The prominent cheekbones up to the sculpted eyebrows. His mouth was surprisingly not frowning. His expression was that of calm, serene. Slowly he turned towards Youji. His expression changed into shock from seeing Youji's eyes wide open.  
  
"Aya?" Youji said tentatively. His gaze dropped to Aya's hand. He saw two of the digits supporting a stick of cigarette between them, the smoke curling up from the lighted end. He gazed back up at Aya, confusion in his eyes.  
  
Aya gazed back at him, still shocked to see his eyes open and to hear him talk.  
  
"You're smoking?" Youi asked, confused.  
  
Aya didn't say anything, just gazed at him. Slowly, Youji felt his eyelids drop. Sleep had claimed him again. He settled into his slumber visions of the redhead bathed in moonlight appearing in his dreams.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Aya put out his cigarette. He rarely ever smoked. It was a habit he had dropped. He only did it in times of helplessness. It figured Youji would be surprised to see him smoking since he had treated the blonde to a death glare everytime he tried lighting one up in the house or store.   
  
Youji had finally awakened, he was now safe. Aya let a tiny smile cross his lips. He walked towards the bed and sat down on the chair set beside the bed. He leaned forward and gazed at Youji with amethyst eyes. He brought his hand up and slowly brushed back stray curls from Youji's forehead. He brushed his hands across his eyes and cheeks and down towards the lips. He remembered rhe night Youji had kissed him. The touch was so soft, so gentle. Aya smiled at the memory. He placed his hand atop Youji's. He savored the warmth of the other man. He savored the moment. He prayed that it would never end. It had been so long since he had given in to the urge to gain contact with another person. He had let go of all those emotions a long time ago but because of Youji, those emotions have once again risen inside him.   
  
The feeling was new for Aya. he wasn't comfortable with it but for once he didn't bother himself with the questions that would sometimes come to him. For now, he settled himself on the chari, holding one of Youji's hands in his own. He contented himself with the feeling of being with another person for he knew that the moment those jade green eyes opened, the moment would be long gone.   
  
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	5. Unable To Feel Chapter Five

Unable To Feel  
Chapter Five  
Disclaimer: don't own Weiss...  
Notes: You do know why this fic is in the R section, right? There's a bit of lemon here, near the end so to those who don't lemons, sorry!!! But it's not really that long (I think!). This is the last chapter, hoped you liked the fic! Oh yeah, to answer your question Ewen, no, they didn't rape Youji! _ So that's about it!! Thanks! d;-)  
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Youji woke up to the feeling that someone was watching over him. He opened up bleary eyes and looked around the room. His gaze immediately fell on a sleeping redhead sitting on a chair by his bed. Then his eyes traveled down to his hand which was clutched in one of Aya's own. He looked up once again and drank in the beauty of the redhead.  
  
Aya was truly beautiful. He looked especially ravishing when he was asleep. All the lines of tension melted from his face and a serene and calm expression took over his entire features.  
  
Youji slowly sat up, careful not to wake the sleeping redhead. He ran his hand over the soft, ivory skin of one pale cheek. Surprisingly, Aya leaned into the touch. Aya really was different when he was asleep. It seemed like there were no pretensions, no hesitations, and no ice. It seemed like the icy facade melted and the real Aya has shone through.  
  
Slowly, Youji leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Aya's temple. Aya's eyes fluttered open.  
  
"You're awake?" Aya asked, rubbing his eyes to clear the sleep-induced haze. He blinked a few times.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
In an instant the mask came back on. Abruptly, Aya stood up almost knocking down the chair. He avoided Youji's eyes and turned towards the door.  
  
"Aya, wait..."  
  
"What?" came the slightly irritated tone of voice.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why what?" asked Aya in a slightly confused voice.  
  
"Why were you here?" Youji muttered somewhat timidly. This time he was the one who averted his gaze. He felt rather than saw Aya tense up.  
  
"Omi asked me to watch over you," he answered curtly. "Since there wasn't anybody left to take care of you, I conceded to the idea."  
  
"Oh," Youji's disappointment could be heard, although he tried hard to hide it. He opened his bedside drawer and took out a pack of cigarettes. He was aware of Aya's disapproving gaze, but he badly needed something to calm himself down. He tapped one out and reached for the lighter. he fumbled to light the cigarette. He tried a few times then Aya spoke up.  
  
'I'm going now. Shout if you need anything and don't smoke in the house." he headed towards the door and closed it behind his retreating back.  
  
Youji tried a few more times to light his cigarette. Frustrated, he put down the unlighted cigarette and lighter on the table and slumped back into his b "He's driving me crazy..." he muttered into thin air.  
  
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Sooner than expected, Youji was up and about. He was back to working at the shop and the hordes of schoolgirls couldn't be any happier. The first time he arrived in the shop since his supposed 'accident', the girls could hardly keep their hands off him.  
  
"He's back!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Youji's back!!!!!"  
  
"Youji-kun! You're back!"  
  
"How are you feeling, Youji-kun?"  
  
"We missed you youji-kun!"  
  
"Youji-kun!!!"  
  
"Youji-kun?"  
  
"Youji-kun!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Wha?! Oh, sorry," he shook his head. he hardly noticed the girls since he was too busy staring at Aya who was at one side of the shop, making an arrangement of roses.  
  
"How have you been Youji-kun?" a girl asked, practically throwing herself in front of Youji. He flashed her a grin and resigned to flirting with the girls to keep his mind of Aya.  
  
"I'm okay, thanks for your concern," he flashed them a sly grin. "Now, did you really miss me?"  
  
"Ohhh!!!!! He's soooo cute!!!!!!!!"  
  
"We missed you Youji-kun!!!!!!"  
  
"Youji-kun you're so kawai!!!!!!!"  
  
He flashed them another smile and then headed towards the storage area of the shop more to do some inventory and to escape the fangirls. When he had his back turned to the girls, he sighed. His gaze strayed over to Aya who was still oblivious to everything and everyone, concentrating totally over the arrangement.  
  
I would give anything in the world just to be right next to him, he thought.  
  
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Aya entered the storage room to deposit some of their deliveries that had just arrived. He carried a few pots and heaved a bag of fertilizer inside. Youji who was still doing the inventory looked towards him and hurried over to grab the heavy bag of fertilizer. He settled the bag into one corner and Aya placed the pots into one of the shelves. He paused to catch his breath then started towards the door.  
  
"Aya, wait."  
  
Aya turned around and faced Youji.  
  
"I have to tell you something," Youji started.  
  
"So say it. I'm busy." Aya snapped. Hurt flashed in Youji's eyes and he flinched slightly at Aya's tone of voice. Aya recoiled slightly and continued in a gentler tone.  
  
"What is it?" he inquired.  
  
"I just wanted to thank you," Youji mumbled, head down.  
  
"For what?" Aya asked, confused.  
  
"For saving my life."  
  
"But, I..." Aya abruptly stopped when Youji looked up and gazed directly at him.  
  
"Thank you, aya." he whispered quietly, then he exited the room leaving Aya standing there, speechless.  
  
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"How long have you been watching me?" Aya sat up abruptly and turned towards his bedside clock. It read 2:30. Youji was silhouetted at the doorway of his bedroom.  
  
"How long have you been watching me?" he repeated the question sharply. He reached for the lamp next to his bed. He was just about to turn it on when he heard Youji's softly spoken command.  
  
"Don't." he said. Aya's hand dropped obediently. Youji entered the dark room and slowly walked towards the chair bathed in moonlight and shadows. He sat down and leaned back, then turned to face the bed where Aya lay. For a few minutes, they stayed that way then Youji broke the silence.  
  
"De ja vu, isn't it, Aya?" he laughed softly and settled back into the chair. Even thought it was dark and moonlight served as the only illumination in the room, Aya swore he could see the jade eyes staring right at him.  
  
"You remember the first time I was here?" Youji asked quietly. "Those were the exact same words you said to me and this is the exact same place I sat on. Do you remember?"  
  
Aya nodded, unable to speak, fearing that his own voice would betray his emotions. Youji remained pensive for a few more minutes then said,  
  
"The only difference is, I'm here without the same exact reason." he finished quietly. Aya saw Youji's head slump down and he buried it in his hands.  
  
"What do you want this time?" he asked. Youji gazed back at him. Aya was startled by the sheer luminosity of his eyes but then when he squinted and looked at it carefully, he found that those same eyes were brimming with unshed tears.  
  
"The first time I was here," Youji paused and took a deep breath. "It was to tell you that I'll fight for you." he looked at Aya, searching his face. What he saw startled him. A tear was falling slowly from Aya's eye. he took another deep breath, sttod up and looked out the window, turning his back towards Aya, silently willing himself to find the strength to pull through say what he had to say. He gazed out the window and stared at the moon. Sometimes, the moon reminded him of Aya, the unearthly light, the ethereal glow and the sheer beauty seemed so similar to what Aya was. And so was its unreachability. He sighed softly and then continued.  
  
"I promised you that Aya, I promised you that i would never let go," he gulped and wiped his tears. "But you know what?"  
  
"What?" Aya asked, his voice barely above a whisper.  
  
"I learned that I had already lost Aya," he turned to face the redhead, tears falling unashembedly from his face. Silently he added the words that made Aya choke back a sob. "I lost before the fight even began."  
  
Aya remained rooted to the spot. He barely moved. He was shocked by the sheer enormity of pain he had caused Youji. he saw it now, in the blonde's eyes. He could feel it, feel it with every word Youji uttered. He had never hated himself more.  
  
Youji stared at him and then went back to the chair, falling down. He seemed exhausted by the effort it took to willingly give Aya up, to willingly give up what he felt.  
  
"I wanted to believe that it might have worked, aya. I thought that I was doing my best, everyone else thought so. I proved to Ken, to Omi, to those bastards who kidnapped me just how much I love you, so much that I was willing to die for you," he paused, unable to stop choking because of his tears and the pain. "But the thing is, i failed to prove it to you..." He buried his head once more into his hands.  
  
Aya gripped his pillow in a deathgrip, hating himself even more by the second. Each and every word Youji said stung but deep down he knew that it was true. Tears were already flowing freely down his cheeks.  
  
"I thought that maybe if I tried hard enough you just might feel it, see how much I loved you, hear me each and every time I told. i told myself that if I kept at it, you'll hear it soon enough but then I realized that no matter how hard I tried, it would never work. You know why?" Slowly he looked at Aya, looked into his eyes. "Because you weren't even listening," he whispered softly.  
  
For a while Youji just sat there, letting the tears fall freely. Then he wiped his cheeks and started to stand when he saw Aya right in front of him, moonlight illuminating his face, his eyes gleaming with shed and unshed tears. Slowly, as if in a trance, Youji wiped away Aya's tears. He stood up and was just about to walk away when he felt a hand grip his arm. He stopped in his tracks and slowly turned towards Aya. He saw the pain and guilt laced in Aya's features.  
  
"Please Aya, I'm not doing this to make you guilty, I just wanted you to know..."  
  
"Youji," Aya interrupted him. Youji stopped in midsentence and gazed at the wide amethyst eyes.  
  
"You know why I never told you? Do you know why I kept it all inside?" Aya asked softly. Youji shook his head.  
  
"Because I was a coward, Youji. I was afraid that if I allowed you to enter my life, I'll never be able to let you go. I was afraid you would leave me just like everybody else. I didn't want to feel that kind of pain again. I thought that maybe if I drove you away, it would make it all the more easier. But it didn't. It was hard for me too, Youji." Aya paused to catch his breath. "I didn't want you to be with me because I knew that I don't deserve you. You don't deserve someone as tainted and as sinful as me, Youji. You don't need me to complicate your life more. I kept all of those things inside my head, I didn't want to be hurt again, Youji. I was afraid that you would leave me." aya gazed into Youji's eyes and brought his hand up to Youji's cheek. he lightly brushed his hand across Youji's cheekbone and pushed back a stray lock of hair. "I was listening Youji, I was always listening but I forbid myself to understand. I listened to the other voice inside me saying that I don't deserve you because you know what? You don't deserve a coward Youji."  
  
Slowly, Aya inched his face closer to Youji's. His lips grazed youji's and he spoke.  
  
"But you know what? I also realized something. I realized that no matter what I do, I was still in love with you."  
  
Amethyst eyes met jade ones. Youji gasped and Aya pressed his mouth to his for a brief kiss, then Aya pulled back and his lips went next to Youji's ear. Youji could hear Aya's breathing and the words that came next stunned him.  
  
"I realized another thing Youji. I realized that I'm not afariad anymore." Aya pressed a kiss to his forehead and then rested his head on Youji's chest, right above his heart. Aya spoke up.  
  
"This is also something different from before, Youji. Last time, you did this, now it was my turn. Last time, we both failed in our own ways, whis time, we succeeded." then Youji brought Aya's head to face his.  
  
"Do you love me, Aya?" he asked, an inscrutable look on his face.  
  
"Aishiteru, Youji." Aya said, never breaking thier gaze.  
  
'Then that's enough," he leaned down and kissed Aya. His hands encircled Aya's waist and Aya's hands went to reach behind his neck to twine the fingers in his hair. Youji pulled back and quietly whispered,  
  
"You don't have to be scared anymore." then he leaned back down for another kiss, much more passionate and urgent than before. His tongue pushed against Aya's lips and Aya's mouth opened willingly. He probed inside Aya's mouth, tasting the sweetness he found there. Aya mound into his mouth and he savored the sound. He pulled back slightly, enough to say what he wanted to the redhead. He stopped to catch his breath and leaned his forehead against Aya's.  
  
"I love you, Aya." Youji whispered softly.  
  
"Ran, call me Ran." Aya said.  
  
"I love you, Ran."  
  
"I love you too, Youji." Aya leaned forward and kissed him softly on the mouth, sliding his hands down Youji's arms and twining the blonde's hands with his own. They broke the kiss and gazed into each other's eyes. Youji brought up Aya's left hand and pressed a kiss onto each finger, then he turned it over and kissed his palm. Youji ran a finger over Aya's pulse and fealt the steady rythim that mimicked the beat of aya's heart. He let go of Aya's other hand and placed it softly on the small of aya's back. He captured Aya's lips on his own and slipped his hand under the Aya's shirt to caress his back. Slowly, he slid his hasnd upward, finally taking the shirt of Aya's form. He let go of Aya's other hand and placed both of his hands on Aya's hair. He pulled back and stared at Aya, bathed in moonlight. Every inch of Aya's pale alabaster skin glowed. he brought one hand down to caress Aya's face. He ran his fingers over his eyes, his cheek and his lips.  
  
"I'll never leave you, Ran. never." he vowed then he kissed Aya again and his eyes fluttered close. They made their way towards Aya's bed and tumbled down, never breaking the kiss. Aya felt Youji's hands move toward his chest and felt him swiping his fingers over his nipples, pinching them and turning them into hardened nubs. He moaned youji's name and slid his hand under the blonde's shirt slowly taking it off. They broke apart to allow the shirt to be removed.  
  
Youji kissed Aya's parted mouth softly. He kissed his cheek and then moved slowly down towards his neck, nibbling at the ivory column and paying special attention to the sensitive spot at the collarbone. Aya moaned with pleasure and entangled his hands on youji's hair, lightly running his hands over Youji's back, making the blonde's skin tingle.  
  
Youji tugged on Aya's pants, letting it fall down the side of the bed. He palced his palm on Aya's hardness. He heard a stiffled moan of pleasure and found himself addicted to it. He quickly discarded his own pants and grabbed the botttle of lotion he saw on Aya's nightsatnad. It would have to do. He started preparing Aya and then positioned himself to enter the panting redhead. He brushed back matted strands of crimson hair and pressed a kiss to Aya's lips then in one swift thrust he was in.  
  
Aya felt like he was going to faint from the pleasure of Youji's touch and when Youji entered him, they became one. Youji fit so perfectly inside him and when he strated to move, he kept hitting the spot that made Aya dizzy with ecstacy and pleasure. He felt a hand stroke his neglected length and suddenly it all became too much for him. He exploded in a fit of pleasure. he felt Youji come after him and they both fell down the bed, exhausted, with youji's arms around Aya, cradling him. Aya closed his eyes, fearing that he might wake up and discover that it was all a dream. When he opened them again, he saw Youji's eyes gazing silently at him. he brought his hand up and caressed Youji's face.  
  
"Can I keep you?" he whispered quietly.  
  
"I'll always be here, Ran. Don't be scared anymore."  
  
"Yes, Youji. I'm not scared anymore."  
  
OWARI  
  
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AN: What do you think about it? Please let me know by reviewing the fic or emailing me! Thanx! I'm sorry bout the lemon part!!! I don't really like writing stuff like that cause it doesn't always end up the way I want it too!!! Really sorry bout that!!! And regarding bout a review, sorry if the lemon part came too soon!!! The reason is because they were already harboring feelings for each other, even before they admitted it so when it finally became apparent to both of them, they just kind of went for it!!! I'm sorry but I really do suck when it comes to writing lemons!!! Please review the fic!! 


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